Hidden
by EvilNekoEatsYourSoul
Summary: One-shot Rin treads the thin line between love and hate. Kagome has always been like a mother to her. But as Rin becomes an adult she can't help but want what her 'mother,' has; Sesshoumaru. Written from Rin's perspective.


Hidden

By: EvilNekoEatsYourSoul

Author's note: This is a one-shot. As some people suggested to me, I'm trying to take a break and hopefully work through my writer's block. This idea has been floating around in my head for some time. I'm pretty sure this is a rated 'R' story, but if you think I should up the rating let me know and you ff . net readers, don't report me! I don't want to get in any trouble so just e-mail me if you think it's wrong to have this fic up and I'll edit it or remove it. Enjoy and please review.

-*-

I could hear her laughing, the distinct musical sound filling the air with warmth, and he smiled. He actually smiled for her; the gesture creating a few wrinkles in his face that I didn't know existed. In all my years with him he had never smiled for me. That one small gesture ripped at my heart more than anything I had ever experienced before. 

~*~

Faith, falling from my lips…

~*~

Forever. It seemed like I had been with him that long. Since that very first moment, I had promised my devotion to him and he had always protected me. He still did. And yet, this great hurt I was feeling, it was caused by him, wasn't it? By them; by her. 

I had always believed in him, long before she came.

But no matter how I felt for him, no matter how much I wanted… I could not resent her. How many of the tender wounds of childhood and adolescence had she tended for me? They were countless, greater than the number of stars it seemed. Even now, as I near adulthood, she will still hold me in her arms at night. Tenderly, just as she did when I was a child afraid of the dark, but now my fears are different. She doesn't know why I cry at night and whimper, nor does she realize that it's partially her fault. But she comforts me all the same. My Kagome-chan; my mother. 

A shiver passes me as I see their lips connect; the silence making my heartbeat sound like loud claps of thunder. I watch as his hands, hands I have longed to touch or feel upon me, go to the ties of her robe. With inhuman grace he removes her clothing, letting the material fall to the ground. I know than that I should leave, but I am like a tree; my back stiff and my feet rooted to the spot at which I crouch. They should notice me, but I suppose they are too busy to sense my presence and for that I am both thankful and angry. 

Soon, in mere seconds, he is also unclad. His pale skin pulled taut over rippling muscles. I have never seen him that way before; standing proudly, body bare of clothing for the world to see. There is the coppery taste of blood on my tongue and I realize I've bitten through my lip; but that is unimportant as my eyes linger on the scene before me. 

~*~

Heart lying shattered on the floor…

~*~

My body is full of this heat that burns me from the inside as I watch their impassioned actions. His lips, no longer a smile adorning them, are upon her breast, his hands buried somewhere between her thighs. A cringe travels through me as I hear her moans. 

So, this is what I'm missing, what I've been wondering about. 

Their bodies lower slowly to the ground, his large frame covering hers. Small dainty feet are flat against the ground, her knees in the air and thighs spread to accommodate his hips. His body lowers onto hers. My breath is short and my heart is beating much too rapidly, I feel as though I might die right there. I nearly let a gasp escape me when I see his hips move forward in one quick thrust. 

They begin to whisper, cheeks resting against each other. His palms are on the floor, one on either side of her head. Then there were her hands, which had soothed so many of my hurts and had braided my hair and chased away many nights of fear, they were gripping his forearms. Both of their eyes were closed as their lower bodies rocked in a constant motion.

I've seen this a few times before, just for a split second before turning away, knowing it was not for my eyes. I had wandered away with childish curiosity though I never questioned them about it. But now I knew. Now I fully understood what it was I was witnessing. 

What I am seeing now is what I've wanted for a long time. It is the truest desire in my heart that has caused me all these days of unknown suffering. Realizing this, I can now turn away and leave them. 

~*~

Dormant memories upon a dull blade…

~*~

There was darkness all around, but no pain. At first there had been pain but it had abruptly left my body and I felt light and airy and there had been small demons surrounding me. Greedily rubbing their hands together they had approached.

But in a flash it all ended and slowly I opened my eyes. He was there, holding me and looking down at me with perhaps not wonder, but curiosity. Setting me on my feet, he stood and walked away but I think his heart spoke to me when our eyes had met for that brief moment. It must have been his heart, because his mind would never say what I had heard. 'Come with me,' it said, 'I will protect you.' 

Those words had never escaped his lips, but I heard them all the same and I will always believe that his heart spoke to mine. I will always believe that I was the first person he had ever cared about; I will always treasure that memory. 

When I awoke from that memory, or dream I wanted to cry. There was no sickness or wound upon me and still I hurt. As Kagome had told me before, it was my heart that was sore and she had assured me that over time it would go away. Even if she didn't know what exactly created this pain. 

But it is too much, and being with them only makes it more difficult. 

~*~

I don't think I can stay here anymore…

~*~

"I'm going to stay in the next ningen village we encounter," my voice, it's so smooth. Perhaps being with him so long has rubbed off on me, so that I may hide my emotions.

"Rin, what's wrong? You know you can always tell me, right?"

Perhaps I'm not as distant as I thought because she apparently saw right through me. Maybe it is just the way mothers are. She had always seemed in-tuned with my feelings, knew when I was angry, happy, or sad. 

Her arms were outstretched towards me and I couldn't help but fall into the embrace. I could picture, almost perfectly, the maternal smile on her face. A tear escaped me when I felt her lips upon my forehead and her hands gently stroking my hair. 

"I don't know what to do," I admitted to her. 

"Well, tell me the problem and maybe together we can think of something."

That has always been her way, but she has never failed me before so maybe… just maybe she can help me.

"What should you do when you love someone but they don't love you back?"

"This is about a boy than?"

I stiffened in her arms. No, it wasn't about a boy. He wasn't just some boy. I would never let myself feel this way for a boy. She didn't seem to notice how rigid I had become. 

"How do you know he doesn't love you?"

"There's someone else that he loves."

Admitting that, it hurt. Tears, many of them, began to fall and I pressed my face into her shoulder, letting the cloth soak up the moisture so that she could not see them. But of course, she knew. 

"I understand, Rin."

I wanted to laugh. She understood? She could never understand. Everybody loved her, was she not perfect? Did she not have his love as well as the affections of a few others as well? I didn't understand what made her perfect, what made her so desirable. 

My voice, it wasn't my own when next I spoke. It was a malignant being of its own, some completely other person that I thought could never exist in me.

"Well, I don't understand," I was shouting, "Tell me! Why does he love you and not me?"

Rudely, I pushed her away and took a few steps back. Surprise, concern, pity, those were the things I saw on her face and even more so I became enraged. 

~*~

Hate, dripping from my voice…

~*~

"Why did you have to choose him?"

Tears, they continued down my cheeks and I didn't even notice them anymore. But her tears couldn't be ignored. Not when I was watching them travel down her cheeks to pool at her chin and fall onto her hands where they rested, clasped upon her chest. 

Slowly, she shook her head. What was that supposed to mean? I didn't know and I didn't care. When she took a step towards me I took two back. I was just filled with anger but not for her, or him, not even for myself. But then who or what was I angry at? The only person to vent on was her. Our other companions had gone somewhere, to check the surrounding area as they often did.

~*~

Soul bleeding from the core…

~*~

"Why don't you go to Inuyasha or Kouga? They love you! Aren't you supposed to love Inuyasha? Didn't you make him a promise?"

It was cruel of me to say that, I know. In the end it wasn't that she had stopped loving Inuyasha or that she had betrayed her promise. It was that Inuyasha could not love her fully, only half of his heart remained. 

The look on her face… it was like I had struck her. Anger was a new thing for me, especially this powerful rage that was now consuming every coherent thought that tried to creep past it.

"I hate you," it was a lie! But I couldn't stop those words from being shouted at the top of my lungs. "I HATE YOU!" I shouted again, my legs giving out as I fell to the floor.

~*~

Obscure emotions hanging in the air…

~*~

I couldn't move, I could, but I couldn't. I hated her and I loved her, I wanted to be a child and I wanted all the 'adult' things I had seen.

Warily, I watched her as she approached me. The tears hadn't stopped, I noticed as she kneeled in front of where I had fallen.

"Rin," she sobbed brokenly, had I caused that? "I love you."

Of course she did, she was perfect, remember? No matter how much you hurt her she will still love you, that's just how mothers are. That's the way it should be, unconditional love.

There was no more strength in me to fight or to be angry as she enveloped me in a tight embrace. Now she knew why I cried all those nights, for apparently no reason, she knew why my emotions had been going haywire for the past year and why I wouldn't marry or take a youkai mate. 

Would she tell him? The thought horrified me, would he be angry that I had upset her so? He had always been protective of what he considered his, and Kagome was more his than any other person or thing on this earth. But was I not his as well? I didn't know anymore.

~*~

I can't stay here anymore…

~*~

"Why doesn't Sesshoumaru-sama love me?" I had to know. 

"He does love you, Rin. I know he doesn't show it but-,"

"Not the way I want him to," I whispered, clinging to her more tightly. "He'll never love me the way he loves you."

"Rin, he-he loves you as a father would a daughter," there was regret in her voice. Had I made her feel guilty?

~*~

Sorrow, heavy on her tongue…

~*~

"Mama," it was what I called her when I had been a bad girl. It was what I said when I wanted her forgiveness. "Mama, I just don't understand anything anymore."

Her arms were so tightly wound around me it hurt, but I just wanted to be closer to her before it all shattered, as I knew it would. So, we both sat there sobbing uncontrollably.

"I'm sorry, Rin." She said this over and over again until it was embedded forever in my memory. I'll never forget the sound of her saying those words. 'I'm sorry, Rin.'

~*~

Tears, from her heart they pour…

~*~

They returned, both frowning at the odd scene before them. The two of us still clinging to one another, though the tears were beginning to subside. His eyes, they lingered on her like I didn't even exist. Worry that I had never seen in him before surfaced. 

Reluctantly, I pulled away. Wordlessly, as we glanced at one another, the agreement was made that he would never know. It was what my heart begged for. The night continued on and the two of them wandered away as they often do. 

Needing to see them one last time I followed a few minutes later. 

"I love you," his voice was a groan as they were once again lying upon the earth. 

I turned away, needing to be anywhere else but where I was, wanting to be away from the sound of their voices. That night I didn't sleep and they hadn't returned yet when I made my decision.

~*~

Solutions in the sunset…

~*~

Hurrying to gather my things before they returned, I moved quickly about the camp. My adopted sibling sat quietly, watching me the entire time. I'm sure he knew something was wrong, but he was also wise enough not to ask. 

There was actually very little for me to take. He frowned when I hugged him and ruffled his bright red hair. Smiling sadly, I turned away.

~*~

I won't stay here anymore…

~*~

I didn't know if I would ever return or if they would look for me. I wasn't sure if leaving would heal my heart or if that I could ever stop loving him, my Sesshoumaru-sama, my savior. But I knew that it would be nearly impossible to face Kagome in the morning, or to look at her and Sesshoumaru-sama in the same light. 

I wanted love, I wanted to be loved and touched and cherished just as Kagome was and I wanted it all from the same person who gave her those things and that was impossible. Even if it was possible, could I hurt my mother in that way? I didn't know and I didn't want to know. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Rin's Lament

Faith, falling from my lips, 

Heart lying shattered on the floor;

Dormant memories upon a dull blade.

I don't think I can stay here anymore.

Hate, dripping from my voice,

Soul bleeding from the core;

Obscure emotions hanging in the air.

I can't stay here anymore.

Sorrow, heavy on her tongue,

Tears, from her heart they pour.

Solutions in the sunset.

I won't stay here anymore.


End file.
